August 29, 1998
Dear Reader,
A stranger approaches from the distance. Rising within you is the natural suspicion about the unknown that you’ve been raised to accept and practice.
As he nears you recognize him, your tension eases, and you are calmed by the familiar figure before you. It is you, as if a mirrored image. It is you, of this you are sure. Well it is not exactly you. It is US!!!
As Managing Editor of Illiterati.com, I am proud to welcome you home. You are amongst family now, not strangers. In the months ahead spent picking through the moist tissues of this body of ideas you will come to see, that clearly, you are home. Let the reunion begin!
I was reminded by my massuse of a lovely story which I will share with you now, as you begin poking around the closets of your old homestead …
… It seems that a technique for self-gratification has emerged in this climate of open discussions about sexuality, masturbation, Amway, and other previously taboo-talk. (Note: If your are counting on a web site filled with references to such blue subject matter, you’d do better to look elsewhere. The Internet certainly isn’t lacking for filth or tawdry content. We certainly don’t see any need to contribute to that type of pollution. Smut and asshole-related humor-lovers may do better to move on now. We have greater matters to discuss.) <——–MATT, CAN YOU MAKE “move on” A LINK DIRECTLY TO A DR.ASS COLUMN, PLEASE?
On to the lovely story. There is definitely a rage amongst meatbeating types that has swept out of upstate New York, and is moving out in all directions across the land at alarming speed. It is “The Stranger.” We caution you now. This technique for uno-pleasuro is exactly the type of thing we WILL NOT, under any circumstances be discussing @ Illiterati.com.
The Stranger …
- The person firmly props himself up into a sitting position. Optimally, a solid wooden or steel chair is employed, without benefit of any cushioning.
- The freak prepares himself by making his genitals accessible in whatever way those people do those things, i.e. open zipper, pants lowered, a stuffed hand, an ascended pant leg, etc.
- Next, the sinner raises a single buttock slightly, places his ‘love’ hand beneath his ass, then brings his full weight to bear upon it. The other hand is of course free for other duties, i.e. finger tapping, remote control, dog grooming, etc.
- After a few minutes, depending on the skill and experience of the pagan, a tingle should begin in the lovehand, telling the heathen that, like many shampoos, it is indeed working.
- The hand will eventually turn fully to pins and needles, and fall asleep. At this point the system is ready to go, and time is rather of the essence. Work begins.
- The dirtyman must quickly force himself into an induced dreamlike state, and pretend that a stranger is approaching him. Perhaps with his free and functioning hand he wraps loudly on the chair, simulating a knock at the door.
- He stages a brief conversation through an invisible door …”Who is it?” He whispers. “Its a starnger,” he returns in his best sulty female voice. “Oh, a stranger? Come in, come in,” he replies.
- With the deadened hand of the stranger he grabs the business end of his unit. If all goes well to this point, his fantasy setting dialogue probably has him quite sufficiently aroused. From here, he tugs, and tugs, until he sees fit.
- The stranger is indeed pleasuring him, as he feels the sensation only on his privates, and nothing on his own hand! Voila. At this point, the strange lady disappears as quickly and mysteriously as she arrived.
As I said, this type of nonsense will never be featured at this site. We used it as an illustration, that we in fact are NOT strangers. You are known here. you are safe here. Make yourself comfortable.
Welcome home.
Nelson Sugar
Editor
ps. The above technique also goes by other names, such as; The Hand of God, Avon Lady, Captain Courageous, Mother Mary, Suffocater Who-Who, The Hitchhiker, Dental Hygenist, and Gym Class.